I think we all know people who are in love with someone who has a damaged psyche. Should they try to help the people they love? Setting aside for a moment the fact that since they love these damaged psyches they will be compelled almost certainly to try. The question I’m getting at is whether it might actually be kind of dumb to make the effort.
I don’t have a deeply thought out theory or anything on this one. I’m just “wondering out loud” so to speak. Take Rihanna as an example. So she’s famous, wealthy, successful in her career, and based on the media portrayal anyway has the world at her feet. She managed to fall in love with Chris Brown who it turns out has an anger management issue and/or abuse in his background that leads him to a place where he is willing to beat the crap out of her. Now, I’m not saying I don’t get it that relationships can be frustrating and none more so than a romantic one. Maybe Rihanna is even a psycho in her own right. Smacking a woman around just doesn’t make sense though. It is like beating up a kid… there just isn’t any need. There’s no threat there.
Back to the point. ”Why is she wasting her time on this guy?” we could ask. Part of that perception is how easy it would appear to be for her to find another suitably famous and good-looking boyfriend out in the media world. Isn’t the same question relevant for everyone though? Sure, we’re not picking from media darlings but odds are that a friend of yours who is trying to save their drug-addicted girlfriend, abusive boyfriend, suicidal pal, etc. could relatively easily find another person of comparable social station to fill the role. I’ve got this theory that it is out of a weird sense of ego. It isn’t that the love is so deep for these people. It is that we don’t want to live with ourselves after “giving up on” them or “abandoning” them.
It seems like people hold this fear that if they don’t save the person in question then no one will. That might even be true. Well, what are the odds of success in the save attempt? It would appear that the odds aren’t very good at all. Sure, Chris might stop smacking women around someday. It will probably take him working his way through several though. It might even require advancing age to tone down his youthful male aggression somewhat too. Can Rihanna actually make a difference? I doubt it. His mother maybe can. Rihanna can’t. In fact she probably makes it worse since his mind has already painted a big target on her head.
It’s actually probably selfish of her (or YOU) to try and save this damaged individual in your life. Offended by my selfish assertion? How much of your energy will it consume? How much of your time? What are the odds of success? Why are you really doing it? I think you’re doing it so you won’t feel guilty. Well, that time and energy you are throwing away to easy your own guilt could be much better spent spread across all the other people in your life and yourself. In fact, strengthening yourself and increasing your ability to give to those you care about who actually DO benefit from it and putting your energy into projects which contribute to the world ought to be the highest priority.
Are you ripping yourself off as well as everyone else you know just so YOU won’t have to deal with admitting that someone is probably a lost cause or at the very least not truly your responsibility? That is selfish. So, here’s my advice for Rihanna even though she won’t follow it and my advice to all those people trying to save someone out there. Stop being so selfish and get back to doing the truly important stuff of living and moving forward with those around you who are ready. Leave the lost souls and broken minds to the clergy and professional counselors who actually know what they are doing. If your target isn’t willing to go to a professional than you are truly wasting your time anyway.